The Tories and Labour: One’s a multi-party marriage of inconvenience, the other’s a single-party marriage of intransigence.

George Osborne & David Cameron – attention deficit order and attention deficit disorder respectively.

Ed Milliband – A union of debt history, tax brakes on the tax breaks and energy price pleas for an energy price freeze.

Political coalitions look a bit like elephants – government of the slowest progress, greatest compromise and greyest shades of meaning.

Boris-mania – pedalling London’s praises from island to Mayor’s Office, with windswept hair, camera-ready expression and warming up for a pm run.

Nigel Farage – closing the door, so he can enjoy tucking into a full English breakfast.

NIck Clegg – promising not to let the students pay more and hoping the EU bureaucrats won’t charge more, to helplessly watching the students pay more and helplessly watching the EU bureaucrats charge more…

The MP Expenses Scandal – if you’re an MP, it leads to recollections and infighting. If you’re the investigating body, it leads to byelections and spin fighting.

Democracy only works when casting a vote results in making a difference. In the UK elections, we vote and the UK politicians can’t act. In the EU elections, we vote and the EU politicians still act against us…